Mancation

What is a mancation you ask?  I am on a mancation, a vacation from Men :-).  I am exploring my running, biking and swimming.

I have set aside this year for myself and I am enjoying every minute.  I have re-engaged myself in a Triathlon club I have been in for 3 years.  This is the first year I even picked up my shirt (yes, it was that bad).  I have met some amazing women who I can aspire to keep stride with; although I full recognize that this will most likely never happen.  I am having fun sweating and swimming and setting new goals, new milestones and new adventures.  I ran 10 miles!!!  I am signed up for a 1/2 Marathon - who knew I would catch the "running bug".  It is true, I feel awful if I don't do at least one physical activity a day, preferable two (I think I need counseling).

I am planning a solo vacation for this summer, although I am having a very difficult time deciding where to go.  Beach vs. Europe?  No kids vacation by myself, it will be another first for me.  This is a year of firsts, in my 40th year I should have made 40 goals and would like to lose 40 lbs.

I am making sure to be involved and ever present with my girls and make sure they know they are my first priority.  I want them to see me love being active, love exploring, love adventures and love them.  I want them to understand how important it is to do these things and always be learning and to never give up.  Set goals and reach them and if you fall short at least you tried your hardest.  They are amazing and they bring me so much and I am hoping that I give them something back.  They grow so fast and I don't want to miss it, I want to be here for it, I want them to spread their wings and I want them to know that it is okay to fall because they will get up and try again and I will be there to help.

In my 40th year, my Mancation, my self discovery, my athletic ability (slow as it may be), my quest to be the best Mom I can be, to go places I have never been, do things I have never done and share all of it with my daughters.  Together we have firsts every year and those are the times we will always cherish.

It's Been Almost a Year

It's been almost a year since I met Sasquatch (my nickname for my Ex Fiance).  I have seen him twice and once he saw me too.  I cried, I got angry, I tried to understand and I hoped that one day he gets what he deserves.  I wanted Karma, but then I realized that maybe his Karma is the fact that he can't live in truth or love or happiness.  What a horrible life that would be and even though he might not realize it is horrible, it isn't a life anyone in their right mind would choose.  I live my life with love, honestly, trust and family I can't imagine living it any other way.

I made some incredible friends along the way and am grateful for all that experience brought me, but not grateful for the fear that is also reminded me that I had always had.  Fear of failure, fear of loneliness and fear of trust.  Don't get me wrong, I am at peace, I am happy in my life with my girls, but I would like to have love in my life again but a part of me is afraid to let it in.

How do you date as a single Mom?  On-line?  I have been on EHarmony, Match, Plenty of Fish and I would say that there is not much out there that is worth my time.  Plenty of Fish is a trolling ground for one night stands, Match is a trolling ground for men looking for 22 year old pinups, and then there are the 40 some year old men who all of a sudden want to settle down and have kids after a life of Bachelorhood and oh, by the way are way younger then their actual age and would only date women in their 20's who must also rock a string bikini.  E-Harmony, I swear I filled the questionnaire out wrong, because there wasn't one man that they matched me with that I was even remotely interested in.  I'm 5'7" and you are telling me to date a pocket?  Let's face it there has to be some physical attraction there.

What else is there?  The random guy you happen to meet out who wants to "take you home"?  My Grandmother told me that love isn't possible again until I'm in my 50's and I sure do hope she is wrong.

Single Mom trying to find someone to date and I'm picking this time.  I've been picked; I divorced one and the last one was a Con Artist / Sociopath, this time I'm being picky.  Yep, I said PICKY!!  We all deserve to be a little PICKY.

I ALMOST married a Sociopath

I met a boy..... He was so perfect..... We were the perfect couple, everyone thought so...... My daughters loved him, I loved him, my friends loved him, my family liked him. He was a Lung Cancer Survivor, a Philadelphia Mummer, his friends liked me, we were the perfect couple.

We were supposed to be married on May 20th, the rings were bought, the airline tickets were ready, Naples, FL was waiting, sunrise, white sand, crystal clear blue water. He WAS the perfect boy....

and then....

He came home from work one day and he was acting a little strange and a little hair on the back of my neck went up and something was not quite right..

The texting began, the passwords were all changed, but he loved me and he said we were forever up until the very last minute, he said there wasn't anyone else and then I spoke to her and he still said we were forever and he loved me......... And then I asked him to leave and he wouldn't...

So, for 6 long days he lived in my house and then the "others" found me. The one he left bankrupt, the one he "borrowed" money from, the college girl whose heart he broke, the girlfriend from high school that he hurt a very long time ago, the psychologist who said he was a sociopath, the girl that said he had been diagnosed as bipolar, the one from 6 months ago that he told he had just gotten out of a coma from chemotherapy treatment; they all found me. Then we found the letter - the one where he told his ex-wife how sorry he was, how wonderful she was and how he lied to her and everyone about having cancer, he shaved his head to prove it. The court records, the Domestic Violence, the Protection from Abuse, the Harassment Charges, the court ordered protection that he wasn't able to see his kids for at least 5 years due to Domestic Violence and Anger issues, the one that said he wasn't a fit parent.

I fell to the ground, I scrambled to make sure my girls were safe, I prayed on my knees every night I would wake up the next morning as he slept on the floor in my living room.

I didn't cry, I still haven't really cried, he broke my heart, yet that person doesn't even exist. He is a sociopath.

He left, at 10:22 am one beautiful Sunday morning, we had a changing the locks party, I had an alarm installed, I collected DNA because I don't know what he is capable of, I filed a police report. He has moved on to other women, I have seen pictures and it hurts, but yet I can barely remember his voice, I can't really remember what he looks like and my Girls' have all but forgotten him. I still haven't cried and I really need to cry.

I am scared I will never trust anyone again, but I want to love someone like I loved him, but I want them to be REAL. I'm afraid....

What is the definition of a Dad? of a Father? Is it a sperm donor, is it someone who actively participates in the lives of their children? I do not understand how someone doesn't want to know their children, doesn't want to be an active participant in their lives. It makes me sad for my children and sad for the circumstances. They are children, they will grow up and they are only yours for a short period of time. They soon will not ask for your help, they soon will not want tucked in and they soon will want their friends 100 x more than they want you. Life is short, live like you were dying because in some respects we all are. All I want is for you to be a Father, to be their Dad, to show them you love them and to participate in their lives. I want them to love you - you are their Dad, they need you.

Dear John -
You are an asshole. You are a cheater. You are dishonest and you can not be trusted. You have manipulated yourself into and out of more situations and finally you have gotten your due. Yes, I am glad you didn't win this battle, I was in the Battle lines fighting against you. I did not lay down my sword to help you b/c you would and have stabbed me in the back that I failed to protect from you.
You say my life is awful, but yet I have never been happier. I have found my peace - a peace I would have never have found with you; I have happily found without you. A peace that has allowed me to be free of the chains that for some reason held me to someone that did nothing but throw me under the bus. Who has broken laws - both religious and federal. Who I did things with I always said I would never do. Who willingly took all I had to offer and gave nothing in return. Who lives the biggest lie of all in the perfect house, with the perfect wife and the perfect cars. Who lives well on the outside but is the unknown devil on the inside. Who has cheated, lied and manipulated himself into exactly what he deserves. Who gambled, lost and asked the dealer to take back the cards. Who finally heard the word NO - and who doesn't know that I was part of the reason the NO was so strong, final and loud. Who put my health at risk and then blamed me for it. Who has never put anyone besides himself first. Who let me worry and cry for a sick relative I didn't even know. Who took my strength and never gave me any in return. Who spits out advice that he would never take. Who doesn't realize life is about choices, we all make them every single day. No choice is a choice. Who violated me in ways I had never imagined possible. Who has forever made me fearful. Who has taken away trust and faith. Who never once thought what it was like to be stalked / harassed / and living in fear. Who in all this never looked in the mirror and realized the person to be blamed was staring back. Who accused me of Threatening him by telling the truth.
I am not sorry, I hope you get all you deserve in life. I hope you grow old as you have grown up, I hope that you surround yourself with you. Who I believe will never understand what happiness and life is all about. This is my wish for you -
Go back to your perfect life, leave my awful life alone and know I am forever grateful that my awful life is 1000000000 times better than your perfect one will ever be.
I thought I could love you, I thought we had a future, I clouded my judgement, you preyed upon me, I believed in you, I had your back, you had a sword. You let me walk away and I always said that if you let me walk away it was b/c you never wanted me in the first place.
Congratulations - I hope and want you to have exactly what you deserve.

I will always remember this mistake and hope I will forever learn from it, and know it has made me a stronger person and know that I am HAPPY!!! I have found closure and peace and I have found love in myself again

Goodbye Old Friend - I never really knew you anyway

Jennifer

Lists, Lists, Lists.... I have still not made my lists..... I have realized during my self imposed solitary confinement that I don't know who I am anymore. I thought I had found myself in the last 2 years, but I am lost again or maybe was never really found. How do you find yourself? Eat, Pray, Love???? I don't have a year to Eat, Pray and Love and am surely not ready to Love, what is love anyway, does it really exist, will I ever open myself up to it? I don't know I am meant for it, to love means to open yourself to another with no walls, no barriers, 100% truth and openness - to me, that means vulnerability and hurt. Two things I am not willing to accept.

A friend told me to make a list of all the things I do well and I said, "I can't think of any" do we ever think we do anything well? I could write a list a mile long of all the things I fail at daily, most of the things I should not have done and all of the things I don't like about myself. Find something I do well, that is asking the impossible. I love my girls, but do I do that well? Probably not, could I be more patient, absolutely, could I play with them more, YES, could I love them more, NO - they are the two people I love without boundaries. I hope they love others without boundaries. I haven't learned how to open myself to others without boundaries. I look at others that have done this and think it is incredible, but I don't want to get hurt, I don't want to be vulnerable and I don't want anyone to be so close to me that they have the power to break my heart. I want that for my girls, I could be a better teacher, can they learn that from other people, I am fearful they will never learn that from me.
This same friend told me I should make a list of the qualities I would look for in a partner, a mate, the person I would want to spend my life with, to be a Man in the lives of my girls (not to take the place of their Father, but to add to their family). A list I said, no one likes me, I don't need to make a list, I have failed miserably at relationships, what good does a list do?
So, here I will go, making my lists, the first of one may very well be empty, the second way more than I think exists in anyone person. Honesty, Integrity, Laughter, Joy, Love.........