What is the definition of a Dad? of a Father? Is it a sperm donor, is it someone who actively participates in the lives of their children? I do not understand how someone doesn't want to know their children, doesn't want to be an active participant in their lives. It makes me sad for my children and sad for the circumstances. They are children, they will grow up and they are only yours for a short period of time. They soon will not ask for your help, they soon will not want tucked in and they soon will want their friends 100 x more than they want you. Life is short, live like you were dying because in some respects we all are. All I want is for you to be a Father, to be their Dad, to show them you love them and to participate in their lives. I want them to love you - you are their Dad, they need you.

Dear John -
You are an asshole. You are a cheater. You are dishonest and you can not be trusted. You have manipulated yourself into and out of more situations and finally you have gotten your due. Yes, I am glad you didn't win this battle, I was in the Battle lines fighting against you. I did not lay down my sword to help you b/c you would and have stabbed me in the back that I failed to protect from you.
You say my life is awful, but yet I have never been happier. I have found my peace - a peace I would have never have found with you; I have happily found without you. A peace that has allowed me to be free of the chains that for some reason held me to someone that did nothing but throw me under the bus. Who has broken laws - both religious and federal. Who I did things with I always said I would never do. Who willingly took all I had to offer and gave nothing in return. Who lives the biggest lie of all in the perfect house, with the perfect wife and the perfect cars. Who lives well on the outside but is the unknown devil on the inside. Who has cheated, lied and manipulated himself into exactly what he deserves. Who gambled, lost and asked the dealer to take back the cards. Who finally heard the word NO - and who doesn't know that I was part of the reason the NO was so strong, final and loud. Who put my health at risk and then blamed me for it. Who has never put anyone besides himself first. Who let me worry and cry for a sick relative I didn't even know. Who took my strength and never gave me any in return. Who spits out advice that he would never take. Who doesn't realize life is about choices, we all make them every single day. No choice is a choice. Who violated me in ways I had never imagined possible. Who has forever made me fearful. Who has taken away trust and faith. Who never once thought what it was like to be stalked / harassed / and living in fear. Who in all this never looked in the mirror and realized the person to be blamed was staring back. Who accused me of Threatening him by telling the truth.
I am not sorry, I hope you get all you deserve in life. I hope you grow old as you have grown up, I hope that you surround yourself with you. Who I believe will never understand what happiness and life is all about. This is my wish for you -
Go back to your perfect life, leave my awful life alone and know I am forever grateful that my awful life is 1000000000 times better than your perfect one will ever be.
I thought I could love you, I thought we had a future, I clouded my judgement, you preyed upon me, I believed in you, I had your back, you had a sword. You let me walk away and I always said that if you let me walk away it was b/c you never wanted me in the first place.
Congratulations - I hope and want you to have exactly what you deserve.

I will always remember this mistake and hope I will forever learn from it, and know it has made me a stronger person and know that I am HAPPY!!! I have found closure and peace and I have found love in myself again

Goodbye Old Friend - I never really knew you anyway

Jennifer

Lists, Lists, Lists.... I have still not made my lists..... I have realized during my self imposed solitary confinement that I don't know who I am anymore. I thought I had found myself in the last 2 years, but I am lost again or maybe was never really found. How do you find yourself? Eat, Pray, Love???? I don't have a year to Eat, Pray and Love and am surely not ready to Love, what is love anyway, does it really exist, will I ever open myself up to it? I don't know I am meant for it, to love means to open yourself to another with no walls, no barriers, 100% truth and openness - to me, that means vulnerability and hurt. Two things I am not willing to accept.

A friend told me to make a list of all the things I do well and I said, "I can't think of any" do we ever think we do anything well? I could write a list a mile long of all the things I fail at daily, most of the things I should not have done and all of the things I don't like about myself. Find something I do well, that is asking the impossible. I love my girls, but do I do that well? Probably not, could I be more patient, absolutely, could I play with them more, YES, could I love them more, NO - they are the two people I love without boundaries. I hope they love others without boundaries. I haven't learned how to open myself to others without boundaries. I look at others that have done this and think it is incredible, but I don't want to get hurt, I don't want to be vulnerable and I don't want anyone to be so close to me that they have the power to break my heart. I want that for my girls, I could be a better teacher, can they learn that from other people, I am fearful they will never learn that from me.
This same friend told me I should make a list of the qualities I would look for in a partner, a mate, the person I would want to spend my life with, to be a Man in the lives of my girls (not to take the place of their Father, but to add to their family). A list I said, no one likes me, I don't need to make a list, I have failed miserably at relationships, what good does a list do?
So, here I will go, making my lists, the first of one may very well be empty, the second way more than I think exists in anyone person. Honesty, Integrity, Laughter, Joy, Love.........

How many mistakes can I possibly make

I make mistakes everyday. I can't seem to stop making them. I need to cut certain people out of my life, yet for some reason can't seem to do that either. Why do Married Men prey on Divorced Women? Why did I do the one thing I have always said I would never do? I want to tell him to leave me alone, to go back to his perfectly pretty life with his perfect house and perfect yard and perfect cars and I am sure perfect wife and leave me alone. Yet, I don't say this? Why? I don't want to be mean, it makes me feel like I failed at something yet again. It is nice to think someone actually cares about you, but at the same time you know they really don't. I am a Jump Off, I am lonely and most of the time I am scared. So, I cling to the improper, the wrong, the worst thing I have ever done. Does it make me feel good? NO Maybe I am punishing myself, maybe it is b/c I never feel worthy and like the unavailable b/c it is safe for me, maybe it is just b/c I don't think anyone will ever love me and/or like me again. Am I a horrible person, probably not, just have made a lot of mistakes and will probably will continue to make them. That does not make me a bad person, it probably just makes me a person.

Yes, I fail miserably at many things

I am a Single Mom, I fail miserably at many things. I find it amazing that everyone tells you how to live my life from the comfort of the 1.4 acre back yard which sits behind their 5,000 square foot house with a BMW and Mercedes in the 3 car garage. I try as hard as I can to be the best Mom I can be. Maybe I don't always take your advice and maybe you are right, I just like hearing it. You give advice from the comfort of a solid family, with a loving husband and 2 gorgeous kids. I hear it from trying to survive while working full time, traveling and taking care of the two most important people in my world. I don't have an every other weekend break, I don't even have a 1 night a week break. The only time I get to do anything is when I am traveling for work and that is work. Maybe I asked for this, maybe I didn't, but at the end of the day all I am trying to do is survive it. I love my angels, they save my life every single day, without them I don't know how I would get out of bed in the morning. I am trying to do the best I can with the tools that I have and I know I will fail miserably at many things, but I am getting up everyday and I am still trying. Love, laughter and tears fill my little house almost everyday, we will survive in our own way and that may not be the same way you think it should be, and that is the way it is.