A friend told me to make a list of all the things I do well and I said, "I can't think of any" do we ever think we do anything well? I could write a list a mile long of all the things I fail at daily, most of the things I should not have done and all of the things I don't like about myself. Find something I do well, that is asking the impossible. I love my girls, but do I do that well? Probably not, could I be more patient, absolutely, could I play with them more, YES, could I love them more, NO - they are the two people I love without boundaries. I hope they love others without boundaries. I haven't learned how to open myself to others without boundaries. I look at others that have done this and think it is incredible, but I don't want to get hurt, I don't want to be vulnerable and I don't want anyone to be so close to me that they have the power to break my heart. I want that for my girls, I could be a better teacher, can they learn that from other people, I am fearful they will never learn that from me.
This same friend told me I should make a list of the qualities I would look for in a partner, a mate, the person I would want to spend my life with, to be a Man in the lives of my girls (not to take the place of their Father, but to add to their family). A list I said, no one likes me, I don't need to make a list, I have failed miserably at relationships, what good does a list do?
So, here I will go, making my lists, the first of one may very well be empty, the second way more than I think exists in anyone person. Honesty, Integrity, Laughter, Joy, Love.........

How many mistakes can I possibly make

I make mistakes everyday. I can't seem to stop making them. I need to cut certain people out of my life, yet for some reason can't seem to do that either. Why do Married Men prey on Divorced Women? Why did I do the one thing I have always said I would never do? I want to tell him to leave me alone, to go back to his perfectly pretty life with his perfect house and perfect yard and perfect cars and I am sure perfect wife and leave me alone. Yet, I don't say this? Why? I don't want to be mean, it makes me feel like I failed at something yet again. It is nice to think someone actually cares about you, but at the same time you know they really don't. I am a Jump Off, I am lonely and most of the time I am scared. So, I cling to the improper, the wrong, the worst thing I have ever done. Does it make me feel good? NO Maybe I am punishing myself, maybe it is b/c I never feel worthy and like the unavailable b/c it is safe for me, maybe it is just b/c I don't think anyone will ever love me and/or like me again. Am I a horrible person, probably not, just have made a lot of mistakes and will probably will continue to make them. That does not make me a bad person, it probably just makes me a person.

Yes, I fail miserably at many things

I am a Single Mom, I fail miserably at many things. I find it amazing that everyone tells you how to live my life from the comfort of the 1.4 acre back yard which sits behind their 5,000 square foot house with a BMW and Mercedes in the 3 car garage. I try as hard as I can to be the best Mom I can be. Maybe I don't always take your advice and maybe you are right, I just like hearing it. You give advice from the comfort of a solid family, with a loving husband and 2 gorgeous kids. I hear it from trying to survive while working full time, traveling and taking care of the two most important people in my world. I don't have an every other weekend break, I don't even have a 1 night a week break. The only time I get to do anything is when I am traveling for work and that is work. Maybe I asked for this, maybe I didn't, but at the end of the day all I am trying to do is survive it. I love my angels, they save my life every single day, without them I don't know how I would get out of bed in the morning. I am trying to do the best I can with the tools that I have and I know I will fail miserably at many things, but I am getting up everyday and I am still trying. Love, laughter and tears fill my little house almost everyday, we will survive in our own way and that may not be the same way you think it should be, and that is the way it is.